"You know, I went to high school with the Baritone. What an asshole."
"I’ve only got one beer left in my purse. Want to split it?"
"Cool! I just found five bucks in my tuxedo!"
Seymour Winchester IV was enjoying his afternoon scotch and Xanax when he was interrupted by an employee. He did not recognize him, but the CEO of Winchester-Pierce Industries and current wealthiest person living in North Dakota resisted the urge to fire this unknown employee.
The construction crew hired to build the new double Olympic-sized swimming pool had uncovered some bones buried on his estate. After calculating the enormous cost of covering up seven new corpses, Winchester was relieved to discover these were not human bones.
Lawyers were consulted. Then archeologists, who concluded these were very rare dinosaur fossils belonging to a yet unnamed species. Winchester called a press conference to announce the discovery of the “Seymoursaurus,” only the second prehistoric animal to be wholly owned by a corporation. (Comcast bought the Tyrannosaurus Rex in 2009.)
When asked about his extraordinary luck, Winchester replied, “It’s been an amusing day in an otherwise extraordinary life.”
"I’m a Rookie Uniform that worked his first year in Midtown. After two gunshots, a knife wound and shrapnel in my leg, I decided to transfer to a less dangerous beat and watch my dogs grow up.
I just landed at Waterfront Division and I hate it. It’s so boring. All I do is prowl around Hobo camps and drink bad coffee. The Vets I work with tell me I just need to settle in but I’m not sure I want to get used to sleeping in my cruiser half the day.
Even though it’s dangerous, I miss the run & gun. Should I transfer back to Midtown?”
-Young & Restless
Hell no kid! Get yourself a hobby like horse racing or Facebook, something to keep up with throughout the day when you’re bored. Waterfront ain’t that bad. I should know, I worked it 12 years myself.
And watch out for those Hobos. They will stab you if you give them half a chance. I know all about that too.
"I’m having a dispute with one of my neighbors. He recently started parking his Trans Am on his front lawn so he can "skateboard" in the driveway. Ever since a fireworks-related argument we had last Thanksgiving I try to stay out of his business, but driving over the lawn has completely ruined his grass. His house is already an eyesore and the whole block agrees this is too white trash. But whenever we try to talk with him he curses or throws beer bottles until we leave. Any ideas how we can get him to listen?"
Pussies like him only act like that because they think they can. Next time you talk to him, bring a bat or pipe and crack him as soon as he acts out. Then explain that he’s going to listen or you’ll do worse. Wives and children should be there too so he’s completely humiliated.
"I’ll be staying in Midtown next month on business. Can you recommend any good, moderately priced lunch spots?"
D’Angelo’s on 12 & Addison. Best eggplant parm in the city. No idea how much it costs though.
"I’m in big trouble! For the past year, I’ve been sleeping with my Brother’s Wife. It’s not just an affair, we really love each other. But we haven’t told my Bro because it will crush him.
Last month my Bro tells me that he thinks his Wife is cheating on him. Then HE ASKS ME TO FOLLOW HER AND FIND THE GUY. He wants me to find myself!
So I told my Bro that she’s being faithful but he won’t believe me. No matter what I say, he tells me to keep watching her. I know he’s gonna find out soon. How do I get out of this?”
-Stuck In The Middle
If your Bro won’t take no for an answer, give him a yes. Find another man in her life and pin it on him. It doesn’t matter who as long as you have a decent story with plenty of details to back it up. Then tell Wifey to get ready for the shitstorm.
Keep an eye on your Bro as he blows off steam. Buy him a whore, see if that calms him down. If he goes after the guy you pinned it on, make sure you go with him and keep it to a beating.
And if you do go through with this plan, letting Wifey and this other guy take the fall for you, then you’re a lousy piece of shit and I hope he finds you out.
Sgt. Matt Armstrong is a twenty year vet of the Metro Police Department. He has an immaculate record: no arrests, no court appearances, and has never fired his sidearm.